(Previously known as Open Source Redemption)
Shortly after the events of The SoyDev Redemption, Luke Smith, after having escaped SoyDev Prison, decides to show his gratitude to the Lord and embark on an Orthodox pilgrimage to the Balkans and Eastern Europe. He makes an announcement on his YouTube channel, and after giving his farewells to Kenny and the rest of his friends, he begins his journey.
Over the next 2 years, the liNUX cOmMuNiTy have grown increasingly worried about Luke Smith’s digital absence and lack of communication, with some joking that he must’ve been kidnapped by Albanian gangsters, had his organs harvested by the Russian mafia, or crushed in a collapsed Ukrainian building, etc. Overtime, however, the NEETs of the interweb decided enough was enough, and pleaded with Kenny to go out and find him.
Kenny, confused as to why he was the one obligated to rescue Luke Smith, was told that he “obviously” possessed great athletic strength to hunt down Luke Smith’s kidnappers and rescue him. Kenny, still unconvinced, declined and turned off the computer.
But as the night went on, Kenny was left feeling sick in his stomach. What if, as he lay warm in his bed, Luke was chained up in an Albanian basement being tortured for Monero on the dark web? What if Luke were forced to fight for either Ukraine or Russia? No, no. It can’t be. But what if…he found a nice Greek woman, married her and *gasp* has settled in Europe permanently!? Kenny, a patriotic American, couldn’t allow his fellow burger friend such a fate. The next day, he packed his bags, and, being that he was still on parole and couldn’t leave the country, used his “obvious great athletic strength”, whizzed past US airport security to hop on a plane without a passport or visa.
Upon landing in Madrid, Spain, he was quickly arrested by the more competent Spanish authorities because of his lack of documents. He was interrogated by the Spanish authorities, Kenny, figuring that if he could convince his interrogators of a language barrier, he’d be let go, repeatedly stating “senor, no hablo ingles, soy Mexicano, agua, senor, agua, por favor!” however this made no sense because he was in Spain so if anything, he was demonstrating that there was no language barrier.
The Spanish authorities were less than impressed, and Kenny was charged with being an illegal immigrant and thrown in jail. Shortly after, the Spanish government decided to grant an amnesty to all illegal immigrants living in Spain, and Kenny argued that, as an illegal immigrant himself escaping MAGA country, he should be let go. The Spanish authorities granted Kenny a 1-year residence permit, allowing him to travel across the EU Schengen Area.
After being released, Kenny decided to dress immaculately and travel to Davos, Switzerland, to meet a particular old friend of his and Luke’s. During the train journey, he rehearsed a script as to what to say to this old friend. After identifying Bill Gates in a crowd, he approaches him and asks about Luke Smith’s whereabouts.
Kenny: “*ahem* Greetings, Mr Gates, I have a business proposition for you.”
Bill Gates: “I’m no stranger to that. What is your name?”
Kenny: “The’s name Neth. Kenneth. Hm, yes indeed. Yes, we met before, you recall SoyDev Prison?”
Bill: “Soydev- Hold on- I recognise you!”
Kenny: “Shhh. *ahem* You see, it is in your best interest to inform me of Luke Smith’s whereabouts, or I shall-”
Bill: “GUARDS! GUARDS! IT’S THAT LUNATIC’S FRIEND! GET HIM!”
Kenny, absolutely fuming that Bill interrupted the badass dialogue that he had rehearsed, noticed a waiter walking past him holding a pie, took the pie and pelted Bill in the face and made a dash for it.
Having outrun the guards thanks to his “obvious great athletic strength”, he hopped on a departing locomotive, not knowing where the locomotive was headed, decided to put his faith in God, and, tired and exhausted, he fell asleep.
Only to wake up in the morning to the sound of the Azaan, the Islamic call to prayer, he popped his head out and saw the Muslim men in white robes and headscarf-covered Muslim women separating to enter the mosques through gendered entrances, he saw the cats taking shade inside of the halal butcher shops, and stalls bearing delicious fruits and vegetables.
“Istanbul, or as Luke would call it, Constantinople…he must be around here somewhere.”
He approached one of the men to ask for directions, but before he could say anything, he was told, “TURKEY NUMBER 1! TURKEY BEST COUNTRY IN WHOLE WORLD! I AM PROUD TO BE TURKISH!”
“A proud Turkish nationalist?” Kenny says as he scratches his chin, “Never mind, I’m in Berlin.” Kenny asks, “Have you seen a white guy around here?” The Turkish man responds he is white, to which Kenny clarifies he means an actual white guy. The deflated Turkish man responds no, and so a day goes by of Kenny asking Turkish people if they have seen an actual white guy in Berlin with no avail.
After a day’s worth of asking around, Kenny sat defeated on a bench, contemplating giving up. Suddenly, a USB flash drive was thrown onto his lap. He looked up to see who was this man.
“This will help you find your friend.” Kenny couldn’t believe it, it was Terry Davis, the creator of TempleOS, who was here alive and well! “Go to any internet cafe, run TempleOS and play EagleDive. I’ll see you there.”
Kenny headed inside the nearest internet cafe and ran TempleOS, playing the eagle catching fish game. He played for hours, but couldn’t make sense of it all. He paused the game, wondering where Terry Davis was.
The door opened, Kenny looked towards the door, hoping it was the man himself. Instead, it was just a broccoli-haired Zoomer. Kenny tried to ignore the monstrosity, but an argument ensued between the Zoomer and the owner, the former asking for a Fortnite gift card, and the latter shooing him away, insisting on real manly games like Minecraft. The Zoomer walks away, accusing the owner of a hate crime.
“Look at the screen.” The voice said. Kenny was spooked, it was Terry Davis who had been sitting beside him. He had snuck in while Kenny was distracted by the argument. “The score number. What does it say?” he continued.
“It says here...67…” All of a sudden, Kenny had an epiphany. He knew what he had to do, he had to follow that Zoomer!
After Kenny and Terry followed the Zoomer, they came to the location, 67 SKIBIDI STREET, AMONGUS AVENUE, POSTCODE 42069. They contemplated as to how to get inside the house, until after a few minutes, they saw an Afghan Deliveroo driver approach the door, holding a pizza box. Kenny walked up to the man, claiming to be the homeowner, and was handed the pizza before leaving.
A Zoomer opened the door shortly after, seeing Kenny holding the pizza box, the Zoomer gestured for the pizza, but Kenny putting on his most sterotypical gangster voice, said, “eyyo hwhite boi, ain't cho' pink ass suppose to give da black mon' some kinda reparation tips?” the Zoomer apologised and left the door unattended as he rushed to find these things called coins and banknotes, Kenny and Terry took the opportunity to walk inside.
As they scoured the house, they could hear a faint voice in the basement, “I told you kids, I’m not a programmer, I’m just a guy that uses vim!” another voice was heared “No cap fr fr, I generated this AI photo of you holding the LGBT flag, get rid of our ban or I’m going to post the picture.” The man screamed in horror, “Anything but that!”.
Kenny rushed down the stairs and confronted the Zoomers, identifying Luke as the captive! He recognised them! They were the guards at SoyDev Prison, still seething over their Fortnite ban that Luke had inadvertently caused. Kenny demanded the Zoomers to let him go, to which the Zoomers challenged him to a fight. Big mistake, Kenny used his “obvious great ath-” you get the point, and proceeded to whoop all of them.
Luke thanked Kenny and asked how was he able to find him. Kenny, exhausted and out of breath, said “Well, it was just a bit of luck and help from a friend.” Luke asked, “What friend?” Kenny looked around, and Terry Davis was nowhere to be seen. “Nevermind.” Kenny responded, laughing at himself, to which Luke joined in.
They proceeded to explore the house, looking to find anything they could loot, but they found nothing. “Wait, there’s still one more Zoomer.” Kenny recalled, and he opened the closet, finding one cowering in the corner. Luke and Kenny rolled their eyes, unamused at closet joke the screenwriter shoehoned in. The Zoomer pleaded for his life, offering Luke and Kenny his Roblox and Fortnite gift cards. They spared him the ass-whooping and took the gift cards. As they left, the Zoomer emphasised how he is anti-racist, because whenever he plays Among Us, he never accuses the black crewmate of being the imposter.
After using virtual currency to purchase the services of a smuggler online, they travelled to the beach of France, and a migrant smuggler directed them towards a dinghy, on route to crossing the Atlantic Ocean into America.
As the camera pans out while Luke and Kenny drift into the sunset, Luke says, "You know, it should've been obvious you were hallucinating Terry." Kenny replies, "How come?" Luke continues, "Well, I'm just saying, the real Terry Davis would've called you the, well..."
The screen goes black. After a short pause, Kenny says, "Oh yeah." Goodbye by Owl City plays as the credits roll, featuring accompany images in order, Luke and Kenny playing cards, then praying, then singing, joking together, recalling their youth, fishing, being attacked by seagulls swooping down, surrounded by circling sharks, pursued by Somali pirates, battling dangerous waves, a hurricane sweeping them up, narrowly avoiding a yacht crashing over them, dodging gunfire from sea border guards, fending off swamp rabbits lunging at them, blue-haired liberals on NGO boats throwing milkshakes at Luke for taking the spot of a non-white migrant, fixing holes while pouring water out of the leaking dingy, tribal people on a raft throwing spears at them, a father and son on a fishing boat pelting them with rocks for fun. The final image shows them landing on shore, dishevelled and clothes nearly ripped apart, as they rejoice and celebrate.